I want to stop crying

Wow, it's been a long time since I've been here. I've realized I can only write when I get to complete understanding in my brain yet still have a therapeutic reason for writing. It's been more than a year since I've been able to discuss, with myself, let alone write, all the horrors, beauties, realizations, and truths as to life really is. I tend to ignore as long as possible. I am pretty passive-aggressive. Many see this as a fault but I don't. Believe me, if I said everything on my mind when I thought it, people would hate me. Or commend me on my honesty. I don't know. Either way, I guess it's besides the point.
Two winters ago, the hubby and I planned on packing our life up and moving west. It seemed great. Come February, BOOM! Baby on the way! About to give our move-out notice to the landlord, we decided to stay for a year and regroup. What a fucking year this has been!
As anyone who knows me knows, my husband almost died. Two weeks in ICU, 9 weeks in the hospital all together, it was every expectant mother/wife's worst nightmare. My wonderful innocent son is the only thing that kept me going. Honestly. I truly thought my husband was going to die and I was going to lose my baby from the stress and my "future/almost real" family of me, the Dylans, and the baby was not going to be. I didn't let myself think, I went through the motions. People sometimes that I'm strong; I'm not. I did what anyone else with a 4 year old and a growing baby would do- survival mode. My mother saved us, she practically lived at our house the entire time. She's an angel.
It is completely unimaginable thinking your spouse is going to die. Just out of the blue? BAM! "what's for dinner tonight honey?" BAM! "we have your husband in our ER complaining of abdominal pain" WHAT?? Then "we're keeping him overnight" to BAM! "we transferred him to ICU during the night" WHAT??? Then the next day " he's in so much pain we need to knock him out and incubate him so he can try to recover" WHAT THE FUCK?!?
After that it got worse. "his kidneys are failing." "his pancreas is necrotizing." "were going to pull the tube out of his throat and hopefully he can breathe on his own" God that was the worst. Just out of the blue. Pulmonologist walks in and looks at the chart, "I think he's ready, we're going to remove the tube". WTF!!! My sister-in-law and i sat there together in panic, praying this person we both loved so much would breathe when they took that tube out of his throat. The dr instructed us to remind him to breathe and help him and left the room. Really?? Luckily he did. Try talking down someone whos been on a breathing machine unconscious for a week waking up terrified. Yep, good times. hushed arguments between doctors and hospital superiors. The kindness of the nurses. The sad looks they give you as they look at your stomach holding your unborn son. The terror you feel every single morning, waiting til you get a nurse on the phone to make sure yur husband made it through the night. The constant grasp on your phone, just waiting for horrible news, or at best, good news from a doctor. The happy smile you have to keep on your face at all times, because youre a mother dammit and your 4 year old son who loves his father more than life itself is probably more terrified than you are. And even if hes not, you're still the parent. You NEED to be strong, since you're not only strong for yourself anymore.
Do you know what it's like to be terrified every waking moment for9 weeks that the love of your life is going to die? 9 weeks. 67 days. It's not that long in the grand scheme of things. But when you are terrified every hour, every minute, every freaking second that they will die,it is as long as eternity. It is a nightmare and you are living it.  And all you can do is keep going. Keep swimming.
Hold on and survive because you HAVE TO. Because the two of you have created the most perfect child ever and he needs you. And so does the unborn child still growing in your belly, despite all the stress, he's still in there hanging on, like the rest of the family. Talk about a fucking family bond.

Packing up and actually going

Many years ago, my husband and I decided to pack up and go. Move south, move west, just move the hell out of New England and its unrelenting winters and taxes. Then immediately I got pregnant and he got very,very sick. We spent at least a year unable to work and destitute (thanks so much to our parents who kept us afloat financially and everyone who kept us from drowning spiritually). 

It's been a few years now. Gone is the terrifying, very possible reality that my husband could die if we move away from his doctors. (Mostly) gone are the crippling hospital bills that could've paid for an entire house. So what's left? A family with dreams of something better yet to come, a better understanding of reality, and a shit ton of appreciation that life is just too damn short. 

My heart aches with this decision. A decision we made so many years ago and life got in the way. In the meantime what happened here in CT makes it so much harder to leave, so gives just as many reasons to go. 

Life is short. New England, with all its seasons and beauty- it sucks. It's too cold at least half the year. People are cold. People are mean. And they are bad drivers. 

It's so very hard thinking about the next year or so still in CT. I feel like I should do as much as I can, spend as much time with people as I can. My heart is already in Tennessee.  But such a huge part will always be home. 

putting the pieces together

So we've decided to move to Arizona and I am SOOOO excited! We are going to be happy there I can just tell. But my anxiety is creeping in.
  I am so stressed about finding a house that Dylan, Jer, DZ, and I can all fit in that we can afford, especially because our credit SUCKS. I am so nervous about housing and money right now.
  I am also freaking out because we have a child. I want to have a decent pediatrician lined up, along with a decent preschool. How do you know this stuff if you don't even live in the state? One thing is for certain, and that is that my son LOVES school, and even though he's only (almost) 4, part-time isn't cutting it. I need to find a good full-time preschool for him to go to.
  I'm not so worried about the other stuff. Dylan and I can find doctors and dentists and stuff when we get there. But a good doctor and school for DZ are a must. And housing. I'm terrified that we're going to make this move and have no resources and be left high and dry while I investigate our various decisions.
  I wish I could jump into this move whole-heartedly but I just can't. There's too many unanswered questions. I need to make sure certain things are lined up before we just go. A part of me, admittedly a big part, wants to just jump and in hope for the best. Just keep swimming and all that... But that's not in my nature. I get too anxious and I need to figure some things out first.
  So next up is a trip out to Phoenix, so I can do my "research". I need to see where I'm headed. I have no doubt that I'll love it. But it's so hard to jump in with both feet when you're 2500 miles away from home. Dramatic, maybe. But that's me.

Arizona....and snow

well, we're in the midst of a blizzard here in Connecticut. My first thought since we're moving away from this weather-fiasco, SHOULD be, yay! No more snow! But it's not. I'm feeling conflicted, because I really do like the snow. I just hate everything that goes with it.
  So I'm trying to find somewhere in Arizona where it snows occasionally. Flagstaff gets snow. But it's pricey. Unfortunately I don't understand the whole cost of living/conversion-ness between CT and AZ. Flagstaff might be quite comparable to CT, who knows?
  I LOVE SNOW. I love almost everything about it. I love the beauty it creates on an otherwise hideous scenery. I love the serenity of it. I love the quiet it creates (except for an occasional car accident you'll hear). Time seems to stop when it snows, be it a few minutes, a few hours, or occasionally a day or two. It almost has a magical quality to it. It's beautiful, it's peaceful, it's happy. Of course, this feeling usually only lasts as long as it's falling. Then it's back to nasty ol' winter, with dirty snow on the ground that won't thaw and chilling cold winds.
  So my new mission is to find somewhere in AZ where it snows sometimes, yet the average temp is still 70. And near some sort of water. I know there's no oceans or beaches in Arizona, but maybe something comperable? I'll find it and that's where I'll be happy :)

a fresh perspective on life

Since deciding to move across the country, far away from friends and family, work obligations, social stigmas, I've gained a new lease on life. One that allows me to decide who I want to be from here on out.
  And who do I want to be actually? A person who is dedicated to her family. A person who can make decisions that best fits her family. A person who feels unrestained from any preconceived notions about who I am. Because I AM only 30, and yeah, that's kinda old in some books. In other books, it's pretty young. To me, it means I've learned enough about myself and gained enough perspective on life to figure myself out. I've always hated winter. It's dark, it's grey, it's freaking freezing. Winter, in my eyes, is good for the best snowfall (yes, it IS beautiful!) and Christmas and New Years and all the Basch birthdays (my son's included). But it's a miserable time of year. It's depressing. In my eyes, scenery and weather has much to do with how I interpret life around me.
  So we are starting a new chapter, one that Dylan and I are both very excited about. Arizona. I'm doing as much research as possible before the move. But we still won't have all the answers. We don't REALLY know what it's like to live in Arizona, because we haven't actually lived there before. And you know what? I'm ok with that. More than ok. Besides getting married and having kids, this is the one big decision that we've made, and we made it without much discussion beforehand since we were both already thinking it. And honestly, it's the biggest one in my mind. Dylan and I getting married and having kids, between the stars and our hearts that was decided over a decade ago. This is a huge change for us, and one that we both can see only happiness.
  Yes we'll miss everyone. You can't live in Connecticut your entire life and not have issues with leaving all your friends and family behind. It makes it REALLY hard. But how would you like your life to play out...living in CT and not exploring options that you honestly believe would make you better or happier? Family and friends will be VERY VERY hard to leave. But as a family, we need to see what else is out there.
  So, it's Arizona. I hear wonderful things about Arizona. Yeah there's the heat and the desert and all that. We're willing to deal with that. I much prefer the heat to any temperature below 70 degrees.
  What will I miss? Obiviously friends and family, as stated above. Besides that, the ocean, the beach. I love the beach. I live for the few months out of the year when you can actually go. I love collecting shells and laying on the sand and building sandcastles and occasionally crawling into the icy water. My son said it best when he said "I'm a beach boy, Mama". We love the beach. But in CT, you get 3 good beach months, and 9 months of cold. I will miss the leaves changing. I will miss all the trees and the woods. I will miss snow at Christmas time, when you get it. These things, I don't think, outweigh the positives we can see in Arizona. At least that what I'm hoping.
   I want to live somewhere that's warm almost all the time, where the temperature doesn't regularly drop below 70. Somewhere where people are nice, and relaxed. Somewhere where, if I move out there and find a job bartending or waitressing, the first thought that comes into my head isn't "Omg why won't this guy order already? It's so busy" but "hey, this is a nice person to talk to" and "I'm not a psychotic New England bitch and can stop and talk to someone and enjoy myself".
  I think we'll love it. And if we don't? We'll come back. Or go somewhere else. But I think it's pretty awesome that we're willing to try

a new chapter

Starting a new chapter in my life, one that involves me going back to school. Can't believe after all my years of procrastinating, I'm finally ready to do it!
A depressing, non-progressive job has a lot to do with it. I'm tired of customers who always look down on you simply because you're a waitress. People don't realize how hard that job actually is. And it's draining. Super draining. On every aspect. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, I won't get into that now. Because I'm trying to get out of it. It's my motivation.
I look at my son, so bright and ready for his future. And what kind of mother am I if I'm also not trying to progress towards our future? How can a parent encourage their child towards the future if they're not also doing the same? He's also my motivation. My ultimate motivation. And my husband. How am I to motivate him towards his goals if I'm not doing for same for myself? It's like the pot calling the kettle black.

So I'm doing it. I'm going back to school. No more pussy-footing around it. My 7 years it took to get my B.A. in psych will probably wind up not helping me very much. Years wasted. Not completely wasted obviously, and I know it will help me on some point. Hopefully it'll help me get into the super competitive program that only takes ten students a year and is full-time for two entire years, including summer classes. I am tired of  "being" and want to be "doing".
My husband has accused me of not "living in the moment" and "not letting myself by happy". Which he is right, it's hard for me to do. Because I'm not doing what I want to be doing, I'm serving reubens on a daily basis. Which is fine. I like my job for the most part, especially the people I work with. But I don't want to do it forever. I want to look at tiny little babies forever. I want to look at those tiny little fetuses on the screen and give parents hope and reassurance that their baby is growing and healthy. Because I've been there. I've been there after a miscarriage with the tech not seeing anything positive at all. I've been there with my tiny little fetus who was a miracle and continues being a miracle. I want to be able to see, from the other side, that their tiny miracle is doing well. Or not doing well, because sometimes that happens, even if it sucks. But I really want to be able to look, and see, and be able to tell them what they can do from that point forward, even if I can't fix it. I want to make a difference, starting at birth, when they are the most vulnerable.
I guess what I'm saying is that I like to be able to help people, and I love life. And I love looking at life. And I would love to be able to give parents the best news they could hear or be able to give them some advice and knowledge if its not. I love life, what can I say?

the best kind of sadness...

everyone knows what it's like to lose someone permanately from their life: it sucks. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
  But what happens when you lose someone from your life for happy reasons? People moving away across the country, clear across. Friends, family, it hurts.
  A few years ago, my youngest brother moved to Tennessee. Not too far. But far enough. A few high school friends and coworkers have made their way out west. Friends in the service have been all over the place.  Now my brother who's practically my twin is forging his way west, sans cell or communication. And a good friend is headed to Washington.
  So what do we do in these circumstances, the rest of us? We are happy for them. We hope for the best, and lots of fun and sunny, warm weather.
  The hardest part though, is not being able to see them everyday, a phone call away. That's the hard part. It's the part you can't change or do anything about. It's the part you need to learn to be happy and okay with. Because it's a good kind of happy. The BEST kind of sadness.
  So just remember to hug those you care about. Remember to call them and check on their day. Because these days MATTER. The days when you can do it, reach out through a physical space and make sure they know how much you love them. After that, KEEP making sure they know. People make footsteps in your heart...make sure they know it.