Starting a new chapter in my life, one that involves me going back to school. Can't believe after all my years of procrastinating, I'm finally ready to do it!
A depressing, non-progressive job has a lot to do with it. I'm tired of customers who always look down on you simply because you're a waitress. People don't realize how hard that job actually is. And it's draining. Super draining. On every aspect. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, I won't get into that now. Because I'm trying to get out of it. It's my motivation.
I look at my son, so bright and ready for his future. And what kind of mother am I if I'm also not trying to progress towards our future? How can a parent encourage their child towards the future if they're not also doing the same? He's also my motivation. My ultimate motivation. And my husband. How am I to motivate him towards his goals if I'm not doing for same for myself? It's like the pot calling the kettle black.
So I'm doing it. I'm going back to school. No more pussy-footing around it. My 7 years it took to get my B.A. in psych will probably wind up not helping me very much. Years wasted. Not completely wasted obviously, and I know it will help me on some point. Hopefully it'll help me get into the super competitive program that only takes ten students a year and is full-time for two entire years, including summer classes. I am tired of "being" and want to be "doing".
My husband has accused me of not "living in the moment" and "not letting myself by happy". Which he is right, it's hard for me to do. Because I'm not doing what I want to be doing, I'm serving reubens on a daily basis. Which is fine. I like my job for the most part, especially the people I work with. But I don't want to do it forever. I want to look at tiny little babies forever. I want to look at those tiny little fetuses on the screen and give parents hope and reassurance that their baby is growing and healthy. Because I've been there. I've been there after a miscarriage with the tech not seeing anything positive at all. I've been there with my tiny little fetus who was a miracle and continues being a miracle. I want to be able to see, from the other side, that their tiny miracle is doing well. Or not doing well, because sometimes that happens, even if it sucks. But I really want to be able to look, and see, and be able to tell them what they can do from that point forward, even if I can't fix it. I want to make a difference, starting at birth, when they are the most vulnerable.
I guess what I'm saying is that I like to be able to help people, and I love life. And I love looking at life. And I would love to be able to give parents the best news they could hear or be able to give them some advice and knowledge if its not. I love life, what can I say?
Friday, November 5, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
the best kind of sadness...
everyone knows what it's like to lose someone permanately from their life: it sucks. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
But what happens when you lose someone from your life for happy reasons? People moving away across the country, clear across. Friends, family, it hurts.
A few years ago, my youngest brother moved to Tennessee. Not too far. But far enough. A few high school friends and coworkers have made their way out west. Friends in the service have been all over the place. Now my brother who's practically my twin is forging his way west, sans cell or communication. And a good friend is headed to Washington.
So what do we do in these circumstances, the rest of us? We are happy for them. We hope for the best, and lots of fun and sunny, warm weather.
The hardest part though, is not being able to see them everyday, a phone call away. That's the hard part. It's the part you can't change or do anything about. It's the part you need to learn to be happy and okay with. Because it's a good kind of happy. The BEST kind of sadness.
So just remember to hug those you care about. Remember to call them and check on their day. Because these days MATTER. The days when you can do it, reach out through a physical space and make sure they know how much you love them. After that, KEEP making sure they know. People make footsteps in your heart...make sure they know it.
But what happens when you lose someone from your life for happy reasons? People moving away across the country, clear across. Friends, family, it hurts.
A few years ago, my youngest brother moved to Tennessee. Not too far. But far enough. A few high school friends and coworkers have made their way out west. Friends in the service have been all over the place. Now my brother who's practically my twin is forging his way west, sans cell or communication. And a good friend is headed to Washington.
So what do we do in these circumstances, the rest of us? We are happy for them. We hope for the best, and lots of fun and sunny, warm weather.
The hardest part though, is not being able to see them everyday, a phone call away. That's the hard part. It's the part you can't change or do anything about. It's the part you need to learn to be happy and okay with. Because it's a good kind of happy. The BEST kind of sadness.
So just remember to hug those you care about. Remember to call them and check on their day. Because these days MATTER. The days when you can do it, reach out through a physical space and make sure they know how much you love them. After that, KEEP making sure they know. People make footsteps in your heart...make sure they know it.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
animal abuse
What I have on my lap right now is the most adorable, sweetest, most loving kitten alive. He's alive, and that's the most amazing part right now. A couple days ago this adorable creature was burned, somehow, not sure what happened to him. He's beautiful and loving and happy. His whiskers and face are burned. I think he'll be blind in one eye. His paws are burned, all the pads on his feet. His ears are burned, one permanetly.
I can't even post a picture of him, because although he is still so adorably Sluggo, I don't even know what happened to him and since he can't meow anymore, I'm even sure how much pain he's in. I don't want to flash a camera in his eyes.
He's doing remarkably well I think. His whiskers are all burnt off but he's still walking around without much effort. He's still happy and purring and looking better by the day. I am so angry and mad right now I don't even know what to do with myself. No one with any kind of soul could ever do this to anyone or anything, especially this cat. Seriously, this is why I stopped watching the news....this shit will break your heart right open.
I can't even post a picture of him, because although he is still so adorably Sluggo, I don't even know what happened to him and since he can't meow anymore, I'm even sure how much pain he's in. I don't want to flash a camera in his eyes.
He's doing remarkably well I think. His whiskers are all burnt off but he's still walking around without much effort. He's still happy and purring and looking better by the day. I am so angry and mad right now I don't even know what to do with myself. No one with any kind of soul could ever do this to anyone or anything, especially this cat. Seriously, this is why I stopped watching the news....this shit will break your heart right open.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Happy and sad
There is much happy in my life right now. I have the most wonderful husband ever, and the most beautiful, intellegent, happiest child ever. I have a decent (yet stressful) job that pays well and adjusts to my schedule. We can, for the most part, pay our bills. The husband just got a new job, I've been searching, the boy is starting school, things are looking up. But at the same time, 4 weeks ago, when my husband lost his job, we also lost all our security. We lost $2,000 a month, our health insurance, our stability of a normal work schedule and life. In a flash, all our stability was gone. We still had my income, but my job comes with a price: physical and emotional stress. My body is not cut out to be a waitress, and picking up extra hours is very difficult for me. But...it pays good. What's a girl to do?
What is sad to me right now is how close we could've come to losing everything. One salary will not pay our rent, bills, car payment and insurance, let alone our rx's and health insurarnce...there's just no fn way. My son has yet to go to the dentist because we don't have coverage. I have 2 teeth that I am almost positve I need pulled. I need glasses. I need to go to a sleep clinic. Dylan is on anti-seizure meds we can't afford. It's a mess. How can we have a health care plan in the works yet 2 working adults have a hard time getting decent coverage? Or coverage at all? Luckily from Dylan's work business aka "Xtramart shit on Dylan because he actually worked and tried to fix problems and we don't like to be questioned" we have practically NO coverage. Out of the blue. Let's leave a family of 3 with 2 adults on meds and a 3 year old without insurace. We're not on anything super important, me an antidepressant and something to deal with my sleep issue and my acid reflux, him something for his seizure disorder and anxiety. We won't die without them. But life will be much harder. And all these changes, including a $10-15 grand a year pay cut, is because his company decided he "needed a break".
What does it take to get some REAL freaking stability in life?? Apparently not working your ass off for the same company for years and years and practically selling your soul to them and letting your family and emotional and physical health suffer for it.
Play the system? Like everyone else? This new pay cut actually leaves us better off, as far as the US government goes. From 2 adults each pulling in about $500 a week each to around $700, we now qualify for Husky insurance, along with a slew of benefits from being in a lower tax bracket. I'm not knocking people in a lower tax bracket. But why is it that when we WORK OUR ASSES OFF to try to make things better, by taking 2 steps BACK we are actually benefitting and can actually have time to spend together as a family? There is something wrong with that!
So anyways what's really bothering me is that I know so many people are so much worse off. People that are trying so hard, people that have no opportunities. People with criminal records trying to turn their lives around. Single parents doing all they can. But here's where it gets tricky: are these people doing what they can to make their lives better or are they actually making it worse? Is the system working or is it making it easier for people to slack? Because I'll tell you, after working our asses off for years and years and not getting anywhere but treading water, I am ready to step back and be a freaking slacker. If it means I can spend time with my family, why the hell not? If people on unemployment or receiving state aid can do whatever the hell they want on a saturday night, why can't I? I have certainly paid my dues in taxes. I have basically worked every possible time that I've been able to. My marriage, my relationships with family and friends, my health, it's all suffered. Why? Because I have enough dignity and self-respect and a sense of responsibility to actually try to pay for my own possessions and bills and my child? I'm tired of letting my life suffer because I am responsible and people around me think it's ok to live off the state and collect unemployment when they are completely able to work. Do you think I want to be doing what I'm doing? HELL NO. But I'm not going to let the taxpayers of CT pay for my bills. That is MY responsibility. And I'm tired of paying other's peoples way. GET OFF YOUR ASSES AMERICA AND GET A FUCKING JOB.
What is sad to me right now is how close we could've come to losing everything. One salary will not pay our rent, bills, car payment and insurance, let alone our rx's and health insurarnce...there's just no fn way. My son has yet to go to the dentist because we don't have coverage. I have 2 teeth that I am almost positve I need pulled. I need glasses. I need to go to a sleep clinic. Dylan is on anti-seizure meds we can't afford. It's a mess. How can we have a health care plan in the works yet 2 working adults have a hard time getting decent coverage? Or coverage at all? Luckily from Dylan's work business aka "Xtramart shit on Dylan because he actually worked and tried to fix problems and we don't like to be questioned" we have practically NO coverage. Out of the blue. Let's leave a family of 3 with 2 adults on meds and a 3 year old without insurace. We're not on anything super important, me an antidepressant and something to deal with my sleep issue and my acid reflux, him something for his seizure disorder and anxiety. We won't die without them. But life will be much harder. And all these changes, including a $10-15 grand a year pay cut, is because his company decided he "needed a break".
What does it take to get some REAL freaking stability in life?? Apparently not working your ass off for the same company for years and years and practically selling your soul to them and letting your family and emotional and physical health suffer for it.
Play the system? Like everyone else? This new pay cut actually leaves us better off, as far as the US government goes. From 2 adults each pulling in about $500 a week each to around $700, we now qualify for Husky insurance, along with a slew of benefits from being in a lower tax bracket. I'm not knocking people in a lower tax bracket. But why is it that when we WORK OUR ASSES OFF to try to make things better, by taking 2 steps BACK we are actually benefitting and can actually have time to spend together as a family? There is something wrong with that!
So anyways what's really bothering me is that I know so many people are so much worse off. People that are trying so hard, people that have no opportunities. People with criminal records trying to turn their lives around. Single parents doing all they can. But here's where it gets tricky: are these people doing what they can to make their lives better or are they actually making it worse? Is the system working or is it making it easier for people to slack? Because I'll tell you, after working our asses off for years and years and not getting anywhere but treading water, I am ready to step back and be a freaking slacker. If it means I can spend time with my family, why the hell not? If people on unemployment or receiving state aid can do whatever the hell they want on a saturday night, why can't I? I have certainly paid my dues in taxes. I have basically worked every possible time that I've been able to. My marriage, my relationships with family and friends, my health, it's all suffered. Why? Because I have enough dignity and self-respect and a sense of responsibility to actually try to pay for my own possessions and bills and my child? I'm tired of letting my life suffer because I am responsible and people around me think it's ok to live off the state and collect unemployment when they are completely able to work. Do you think I want to be doing what I'm doing? HELL NO. But I'm not going to let the taxpayers of CT pay for my bills. That is MY responsibility. And I'm tired of paying other's peoples way. GET OFF YOUR ASSES AMERICA AND GET A FUCKING JOB.
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