So we've decided to move to Arizona and I am SOOOO excited! We are going to be happy there I can just tell. But my anxiety is creeping in.
I am so stressed about finding a house that Dylan, Jer, DZ, and I can all fit in that we can afford, especially because our credit SUCKS. I am so nervous about housing and money right now.
I am also freaking out because we have a child. I want to have a decent pediatrician lined up, along with a decent preschool. How do you know this stuff if you don't even live in the state? One thing is for certain, and that is that my son LOVES school, and even though he's only (almost) 4, part-time isn't cutting it. I need to find a good full-time preschool for him to go to.
I'm not so worried about the other stuff. Dylan and I can find doctors and dentists and stuff when we get there. But a good doctor and school for DZ are a must. And housing. I'm terrified that we're going to make this move and have no resources and be left high and dry while I investigate our various decisions.
I wish I could jump into this move whole-heartedly but I just can't. There's too many unanswered questions. I need to make sure certain things are lined up before we just go. A part of me, admittedly a big part, wants to just jump and in hope for the best. Just keep swimming and all that... But that's not in my nature. I get too anxious and I need to figure some things out first.
So next up is a trip out to Phoenix, so I can do my "research". I need to see where I'm headed. I have no doubt that I'll love it. But it's so hard to jump in with both feet when you're 2500 miles away from home. Dramatic, maybe. But that's me.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Arizona....and snow
well, we're in the midst of a blizzard here in Connecticut. My first thought since we're moving away from this weather-fiasco, SHOULD be, yay! No more snow! But it's not. I'm feeling conflicted, because I really do like the snow. I just hate everything that goes with it.
So I'm trying to find somewhere in Arizona where it snows occasionally. Flagstaff gets snow. But it's pricey. Unfortunately I don't understand the whole cost of living/conversion-ness between CT and AZ. Flagstaff might be quite comparable to CT, who knows?
I LOVE SNOW. I love almost everything about it. I love the beauty it creates on an otherwise hideous scenery. I love the serenity of it. I love the quiet it creates (except for an occasional car accident you'll hear). Time seems to stop when it snows, be it a few minutes, a few hours, or occasionally a day or two. It almost has a magical quality to it. It's beautiful, it's peaceful, it's happy. Of course, this feeling usually only lasts as long as it's falling. Then it's back to nasty ol' winter, with dirty snow on the ground that won't thaw and chilling cold winds.
So my new mission is to find somewhere in AZ where it snows sometimes, yet the average temp is still 70. And near some sort of water. I know there's no oceans or beaches in Arizona, but maybe something comperable? I'll find it and that's where I'll be happy :)
So I'm trying to find somewhere in Arizona where it snows occasionally. Flagstaff gets snow. But it's pricey. Unfortunately I don't understand the whole cost of living/conversion-ness between CT and AZ. Flagstaff might be quite comparable to CT, who knows?
I LOVE SNOW. I love almost everything about it. I love the beauty it creates on an otherwise hideous scenery. I love the serenity of it. I love the quiet it creates (except for an occasional car accident you'll hear). Time seems to stop when it snows, be it a few minutes, a few hours, or occasionally a day or two. It almost has a magical quality to it. It's beautiful, it's peaceful, it's happy. Of course, this feeling usually only lasts as long as it's falling. Then it's back to nasty ol' winter, with dirty snow on the ground that won't thaw and chilling cold winds.
So my new mission is to find somewhere in AZ where it snows sometimes, yet the average temp is still 70. And near some sort of water. I know there's no oceans or beaches in Arizona, but maybe something comperable? I'll find it and that's where I'll be happy :)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
a fresh perspective on life
Since deciding to move across the country, far away from friends and family, work obligations, social stigmas, I've gained a new lease on life. One that allows me to decide who I want to be from here on out.
And who do I want to be actually? A person who is dedicated to her family. A person who can make decisions that best fits her family. A person who feels unrestained from any preconceived notions about who I am. Because I AM only 30, and yeah, that's kinda old in some books. In other books, it's pretty young. To me, it means I've learned enough about myself and gained enough perspective on life to figure myself out. I've always hated winter. It's dark, it's grey, it's freaking freezing. Winter, in my eyes, is good for the best snowfall (yes, it IS beautiful!) and Christmas and New Years and all the Basch birthdays (my son's included). But it's a miserable time of year. It's depressing. In my eyes, scenery and weather has much to do with how I interpret life around me.
So we are starting a new chapter, one that Dylan and I are both very excited about. Arizona. I'm doing as much research as possible before the move. But we still won't have all the answers. We don't REALLY know what it's like to live in Arizona, because we haven't actually lived there before. And you know what? I'm ok with that. More than ok. Besides getting married and having kids, this is the one big decision that we've made, and we made it without much discussion beforehand since we were both already thinking it. And honestly, it's the biggest one in my mind. Dylan and I getting married and having kids, between the stars and our hearts that was decided over a decade ago. This is a huge change for us, and one that we both can see only happiness.
Yes we'll miss everyone. You can't live in Connecticut your entire life and not have issues with leaving all your friends and family behind. It makes it REALLY hard. But how would you like your life to play out...living in CT and not exploring options that you honestly believe would make you better or happier? Family and friends will be VERY VERY hard to leave. But as a family, we need to see what else is out there.
So, it's Arizona. I hear wonderful things about Arizona. Yeah there's the heat and the desert and all that. We're willing to deal with that. I much prefer the heat to any temperature below 70 degrees.
What will I miss? Obiviously friends and family, as stated above. Besides that, the ocean, the beach. I love the beach. I live for the few months out of the year when you can actually go. I love collecting shells and laying on the sand and building sandcastles and occasionally crawling into the icy water. My son said it best when he said "I'm a beach boy, Mama". We love the beach. But in CT, you get 3 good beach months, and 9 months of cold. I will miss the leaves changing. I will miss all the trees and the woods. I will miss snow at Christmas time, when you get it. These things, I don't think, outweigh the positives we can see in Arizona. At least that what I'm hoping.
I want to live somewhere that's warm almost all the time, where the temperature doesn't regularly drop below 70. Somewhere where people are nice, and relaxed. Somewhere where, if I move out there and find a job bartending or waitressing, the first thought that comes into my head isn't "Omg why won't this guy order already? It's so busy" but "hey, this is a nice person to talk to" and "I'm not a psychotic New England bitch and can stop and talk to someone and enjoy myself".
I think we'll love it. And if we don't? We'll come back. Or go somewhere else. But I think it's pretty awesome that we're willing to try
And who do I want to be actually? A person who is dedicated to her family. A person who can make decisions that best fits her family. A person who feels unrestained from any preconceived notions about who I am. Because I AM only 30, and yeah, that's kinda old in some books. In other books, it's pretty young. To me, it means I've learned enough about myself and gained enough perspective on life to figure myself out. I've always hated winter. It's dark, it's grey, it's freaking freezing. Winter, in my eyes, is good for the best snowfall (yes, it IS beautiful!) and Christmas and New Years and all the Basch birthdays (my son's included). But it's a miserable time of year. It's depressing. In my eyes, scenery and weather has much to do with how I interpret life around me.
So we are starting a new chapter, one that Dylan and I are both very excited about. Arizona. I'm doing as much research as possible before the move. But we still won't have all the answers. We don't REALLY know what it's like to live in Arizona, because we haven't actually lived there before. And you know what? I'm ok with that. More than ok. Besides getting married and having kids, this is the one big decision that we've made, and we made it without much discussion beforehand since we were both already thinking it. And honestly, it's the biggest one in my mind. Dylan and I getting married and having kids, between the stars and our hearts that was decided over a decade ago. This is a huge change for us, and one that we both can see only happiness.
Yes we'll miss everyone. You can't live in Connecticut your entire life and not have issues with leaving all your friends and family behind. It makes it REALLY hard. But how would you like your life to play out...living in CT and not exploring options that you honestly believe would make you better or happier? Family and friends will be VERY VERY hard to leave. But as a family, we need to see what else is out there.
So, it's Arizona. I hear wonderful things about Arizona. Yeah there's the heat and the desert and all that. We're willing to deal with that. I much prefer the heat to any temperature below 70 degrees.
What will I miss? Obiviously friends and family, as stated above. Besides that, the ocean, the beach. I love the beach. I live for the few months out of the year when you can actually go. I love collecting shells and laying on the sand and building sandcastles and occasionally crawling into the icy water. My son said it best when he said "I'm a beach boy, Mama". We love the beach. But in CT, you get 3 good beach months, and 9 months of cold. I will miss the leaves changing. I will miss all the trees and the woods. I will miss snow at Christmas time, when you get it. These things, I don't think, outweigh the positives we can see in Arizona. At least that what I'm hoping.
I want to live somewhere that's warm almost all the time, where the temperature doesn't regularly drop below 70. Somewhere where people are nice, and relaxed. Somewhere where, if I move out there and find a job bartending or waitressing, the first thought that comes into my head isn't "Omg why won't this guy order already? It's so busy" but "hey, this is a nice person to talk to" and "I'm not a psychotic New England bitch and can stop and talk to someone and enjoy myself".
I think we'll love it. And if we don't? We'll come back. Or go somewhere else. But I think it's pretty awesome that we're willing to try
Friday, November 5, 2010
a new chapter
Starting a new chapter in my life, one that involves me going back to school. Can't believe after all my years of procrastinating, I'm finally ready to do it!
A depressing, non-progressive job has a lot to do with it. I'm tired of customers who always look down on you simply because you're a waitress. People don't realize how hard that job actually is. And it's draining. Super draining. On every aspect. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, I won't get into that now. Because I'm trying to get out of it. It's my motivation.
I look at my son, so bright and ready for his future. And what kind of mother am I if I'm also not trying to progress towards our future? How can a parent encourage their child towards the future if they're not also doing the same? He's also my motivation. My ultimate motivation. And my husband. How am I to motivate him towards his goals if I'm not doing for same for myself? It's like the pot calling the kettle black.
So I'm doing it. I'm going back to school. No more pussy-footing around it. My 7 years it took to get my B.A. in psych will probably wind up not helping me very much. Years wasted. Not completely wasted obviously, and I know it will help me on some point. Hopefully it'll help me get into the super competitive program that only takes ten students a year and is full-time for two entire years, including summer classes. I am tired of "being" and want to be "doing".
My husband has accused me of not "living in the moment" and "not letting myself by happy". Which he is right, it's hard for me to do. Because I'm not doing what I want to be doing, I'm serving reubens on a daily basis. Which is fine. I like my job for the most part, especially the people I work with. But I don't want to do it forever. I want to look at tiny little babies forever. I want to look at those tiny little fetuses on the screen and give parents hope and reassurance that their baby is growing and healthy. Because I've been there. I've been there after a miscarriage with the tech not seeing anything positive at all. I've been there with my tiny little fetus who was a miracle and continues being a miracle. I want to be able to see, from the other side, that their tiny miracle is doing well. Or not doing well, because sometimes that happens, even if it sucks. But I really want to be able to look, and see, and be able to tell them what they can do from that point forward, even if I can't fix it. I want to make a difference, starting at birth, when they are the most vulnerable.
I guess what I'm saying is that I like to be able to help people, and I love life. And I love looking at life. And I would love to be able to give parents the best news they could hear or be able to give them some advice and knowledge if its not. I love life, what can I say?
A depressing, non-progressive job has a lot to do with it. I'm tired of customers who always look down on you simply because you're a waitress. People don't realize how hard that job actually is. And it's draining. Super draining. On every aspect. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, I won't get into that now. Because I'm trying to get out of it. It's my motivation.
I look at my son, so bright and ready for his future. And what kind of mother am I if I'm also not trying to progress towards our future? How can a parent encourage their child towards the future if they're not also doing the same? He's also my motivation. My ultimate motivation. And my husband. How am I to motivate him towards his goals if I'm not doing for same for myself? It's like the pot calling the kettle black.
So I'm doing it. I'm going back to school. No more pussy-footing around it. My 7 years it took to get my B.A. in psych will probably wind up not helping me very much. Years wasted. Not completely wasted obviously, and I know it will help me on some point. Hopefully it'll help me get into the super competitive program that only takes ten students a year and is full-time for two entire years, including summer classes. I am tired of "being" and want to be "doing".
My husband has accused me of not "living in the moment" and "not letting myself by happy". Which he is right, it's hard for me to do. Because I'm not doing what I want to be doing, I'm serving reubens on a daily basis. Which is fine. I like my job for the most part, especially the people I work with. But I don't want to do it forever. I want to look at tiny little babies forever. I want to look at those tiny little fetuses on the screen and give parents hope and reassurance that their baby is growing and healthy. Because I've been there. I've been there after a miscarriage with the tech not seeing anything positive at all. I've been there with my tiny little fetus who was a miracle and continues being a miracle. I want to be able to see, from the other side, that their tiny miracle is doing well. Or not doing well, because sometimes that happens, even if it sucks. But I really want to be able to look, and see, and be able to tell them what they can do from that point forward, even if I can't fix it. I want to make a difference, starting at birth, when they are the most vulnerable.
I guess what I'm saying is that I like to be able to help people, and I love life. And I love looking at life. And I would love to be able to give parents the best news they could hear or be able to give them some advice and knowledge if its not. I love life, what can I say?
Saturday, September 25, 2010
the best kind of sadness...
everyone knows what it's like to lose someone permanately from their life: it sucks. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
But what happens when you lose someone from your life for happy reasons? People moving away across the country, clear across. Friends, family, it hurts.
A few years ago, my youngest brother moved to Tennessee. Not too far. But far enough. A few high school friends and coworkers have made their way out west. Friends in the service have been all over the place. Now my brother who's practically my twin is forging his way west, sans cell or communication. And a good friend is headed to Washington.
So what do we do in these circumstances, the rest of us? We are happy for them. We hope for the best, and lots of fun and sunny, warm weather.
The hardest part though, is not being able to see them everyday, a phone call away. That's the hard part. It's the part you can't change or do anything about. It's the part you need to learn to be happy and okay with. Because it's a good kind of happy. The BEST kind of sadness.
So just remember to hug those you care about. Remember to call them and check on their day. Because these days MATTER. The days when you can do it, reach out through a physical space and make sure they know how much you love them. After that, KEEP making sure they know. People make footsteps in your heart...make sure they know it.
But what happens when you lose someone from your life for happy reasons? People moving away across the country, clear across. Friends, family, it hurts.
A few years ago, my youngest brother moved to Tennessee. Not too far. But far enough. A few high school friends and coworkers have made their way out west. Friends in the service have been all over the place. Now my brother who's practically my twin is forging his way west, sans cell or communication. And a good friend is headed to Washington.
So what do we do in these circumstances, the rest of us? We are happy for them. We hope for the best, and lots of fun and sunny, warm weather.
The hardest part though, is not being able to see them everyday, a phone call away. That's the hard part. It's the part you can't change or do anything about. It's the part you need to learn to be happy and okay with. Because it's a good kind of happy. The BEST kind of sadness.
So just remember to hug those you care about. Remember to call them and check on their day. Because these days MATTER. The days when you can do it, reach out through a physical space and make sure they know how much you love them. After that, KEEP making sure they know. People make footsteps in your heart...make sure they know it.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
animal abuse
What I have on my lap right now is the most adorable, sweetest, most loving kitten alive. He's alive, and that's the most amazing part right now. A couple days ago this adorable creature was burned, somehow, not sure what happened to him. He's beautiful and loving and happy. His whiskers and face are burned. I think he'll be blind in one eye. His paws are burned, all the pads on his feet. His ears are burned, one permanetly.
I can't even post a picture of him, because although he is still so adorably Sluggo, I don't even know what happened to him and since he can't meow anymore, I'm even sure how much pain he's in. I don't want to flash a camera in his eyes.
He's doing remarkably well I think. His whiskers are all burnt off but he's still walking around without much effort. He's still happy and purring and looking better by the day. I am so angry and mad right now I don't even know what to do with myself. No one with any kind of soul could ever do this to anyone or anything, especially this cat. Seriously, this is why I stopped watching the news....this shit will break your heart right open.
I can't even post a picture of him, because although he is still so adorably Sluggo, I don't even know what happened to him and since he can't meow anymore, I'm even sure how much pain he's in. I don't want to flash a camera in his eyes.
He's doing remarkably well I think. His whiskers are all burnt off but he's still walking around without much effort. He's still happy and purring and looking better by the day. I am so angry and mad right now I don't even know what to do with myself. No one with any kind of soul could ever do this to anyone or anything, especially this cat. Seriously, this is why I stopped watching the news....this shit will break your heart right open.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Happy and sad
There is much happy in my life right now. I have the most wonderful husband ever, and the most beautiful, intellegent, happiest child ever. I have a decent (yet stressful) job that pays well and adjusts to my schedule. We can, for the most part, pay our bills. The husband just got a new job, I've been searching, the boy is starting school, things are looking up. But at the same time, 4 weeks ago, when my husband lost his job, we also lost all our security. We lost $2,000 a month, our health insurance, our stability of a normal work schedule and life. In a flash, all our stability was gone. We still had my income, but my job comes with a price: physical and emotional stress. My body is not cut out to be a waitress, and picking up extra hours is very difficult for me. But...it pays good. What's a girl to do?
What is sad to me right now is how close we could've come to losing everything. One salary will not pay our rent, bills, car payment and insurance, let alone our rx's and health insurarnce...there's just no fn way. My son has yet to go to the dentist because we don't have coverage. I have 2 teeth that I am almost positve I need pulled. I need glasses. I need to go to a sleep clinic. Dylan is on anti-seizure meds we can't afford. It's a mess. How can we have a health care plan in the works yet 2 working adults have a hard time getting decent coverage? Or coverage at all? Luckily from Dylan's work business aka "Xtramart shit on Dylan because he actually worked and tried to fix problems and we don't like to be questioned" we have practically NO coverage. Out of the blue. Let's leave a family of 3 with 2 adults on meds and a 3 year old without insurace. We're not on anything super important, me an antidepressant and something to deal with my sleep issue and my acid reflux, him something for his seizure disorder and anxiety. We won't die without them. But life will be much harder. And all these changes, including a $10-15 grand a year pay cut, is because his company decided he "needed a break".
What does it take to get some REAL freaking stability in life?? Apparently not working your ass off for the same company for years and years and practically selling your soul to them and letting your family and emotional and physical health suffer for it.
Play the system? Like everyone else? This new pay cut actually leaves us better off, as far as the US government goes. From 2 adults each pulling in about $500 a week each to around $700, we now qualify for Husky insurance, along with a slew of benefits from being in a lower tax bracket. I'm not knocking people in a lower tax bracket. But why is it that when we WORK OUR ASSES OFF to try to make things better, by taking 2 steps BACK we are actually benefitting and can actually have time to spend together as a family? There is something wrong with that!
So anyways what's really bothering me is that I know so many people are so much worse off. People that are trying so hard, people that have no opportunities. People with criminal records trying to turn their lives around. Single parents doing all they can. But here's where it gets tricky: are these people doing what they can to make their lives better or are they actually making it worse? Is the system working or is it making it easier for people to slack? Because I'll tell you, after working our asses off for years and years and not getting anywhere but treading water, I am ready to step back and be a freaking slacker. If it means I can spend time with my family, why the hell not? If people on unemployment or receiving state aid can do whatever the hell they want on a saturday night, why can't I? I have certainly paid my dues in taxes. I have basically worked every possible time that I've been able to. My marriage, my relationships with family and friends, my health, it's all suffered. Why? Because I have enough dignity and self-respect and a sense of responsibility to actually try to pay for my own possessions and bills and my child? I'm tired of letting my life suffer because I am responsible and people around me think it's ok to live off the state and collect unemployment when they are completely able to work. Do you think I want to be doing what I'm doing? HELL NO. But I'm not going to let the taxpayers of CT pay for my bills. That is MY responsibility. And I'm tired of paying other's peoples way. GET OFF YOUR ASSES AMERICA AND GET A FUCKING JOB.
What is sad to me right now is how close we could've come to losing everything. One salary will not pay our rent, bills, car payment and insurance, let alone our rx's and health insurarnce...there's just no fn way. My son has yet to go to the dentist because we don't have coverage. I have 2 teeth that I am almost positve I need pulled. I need glasses. I need to go to a sleep clinic. Dylan is on anti-seizure meds we can't afford. It's a mess. How can we have a health care plan in the works yet 2 working adults have a hard time getting decent coverage? Or coverage at all? Luckily from Dylan's work business aka "Xtramart shit on Dylan because he actually worked and tried to fix problems and we don't like to be questioned" we have practically NO coverage. Out of the blue. Let's leave a family of 3 with 2 adults on meds and a 3 year old without insurace. We're not on anything super important, me an antidepressant and something to deal with my sleep issue and my acid reflux, him something for his seizure disorder and anxiety. We won't die without them. But life will be much harder. And all these changes, including a $10-15 grand a year pay cut, is because his company decided he "needed a break".
What does it take to get some REAL freaking stability in life?? Apparently not working your ass off for the same company for years and years and practically selling your soul to them and letting your family and emotional and physical health suffer for it.
Play the system? Like everyone else? This new pay cut actually leaves us better off, as far as the US government goes. From 2 adults each pulling in about $500 a week each to around $700, we now qualify for Husky insurance, along with a slew of benefits from being in a lower tax bracket. I'm not knocking people in a lower tax bracket. But why is it that when we WORK OUR ASSES OFF to try to make things better, by taking 2 steps BACK we are actually benefitting and can actually have time to spend together as a family? There is something wrong with that!
So anyways what's really bothering me is that I know so many people are so much worse off. People that are trying so hard, people that have no opportunities. People with criminal records trying to turn their lives around. Single parents doing all they can. But here's where it gets tricky: are these people doing what they can to make their lives better or are they actually making it worse? Is the system working or is it making it easier for people to slack? Because I'll tell you, after working our asses off for years and years and not getting anywhere but treading water, I am ready to step back and be a freaking slacker. If it means I can spend time with my family, why the hell not? If people on unemployment or receiving state aid can do whatever the hell they want on a saturday night, why can't I? I have certainly paid my dues in taxes. I have basically worked every possible time that I've been able to. My marriage, my relationships with family and friends, my health, it's all suffered. Why? Because I have enough dignity and self-respect and a sense of responsibility to actually try to pay for my own possessions and bills and my child? I'm tired of letting my life suffer because I am responsible and people around me think it's ok to live off the state and collect unemployment when they are completely able to work. Do you think I want to be doing what I'm doing? HELL NO. But I'm not going to let the taxpayers of CT pay for my bills. That is MY responsibility. And I'm tired of paying other's peoples way. GET OFF YOUR ASSES AMERICA AND GET A FUCKING JOB.
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